To be with the Lord

Why does it hurt so much though?

A couple of weeks ago, I posted a note on here "Grief is love that never found expression".

That note was supposed to be a newsletter but I just didn't have words and strength. Strength, because there's a way writing makes you tap into areas of your mind that you normally wouldn't want to go into and that requires immense strength. For instance, I always tell people that when I journal, I'm always shocked by what comes onto the pages because I definitely didn't know I felt that way. This is why I've been avoiding writing this but here we are.

I believe that this letter will help me and someone else who is in the thick of it right now.

Meta AI says grief is a universal human experience that can be triggered by various forms of loss, and I agree. It indeed is a universal experience and you really can't understand grief until you experience it.

Another thing about grief is that no two grieving experiences are the same. You'll think you've figured out how to deal with loss until another loss comes along to push you to the ground and siphon breath out of you.

Grief is terrible. It hurts like hell. It knocks the wind right out of your sails. Sometimes I wish pain were the only emotion associated with grief but it definitely isn't. I think it would be easier if it were only pain, but what do I know?

Grief is a whole blend of gut wrenching emotions. There's pain, there's anger, there's guilt, there's agony, there's love... And some other emotions you may never find language for. The pain is not just emotional, sometimes it is physical.

When you lose someone that means a lot to you, you grieve for a lot of reasons. You grieve because you envisioned them being in your life for the long run. You grieve because you can't stomach the reality of them not being here anymore. You grieve because the world just went on as normal when yours stopped.

You grieve because you feel guilty that you weren't there for them more, or because you think about all the ways you'd have loved them better and now you can't do that. You grieve because you're angry that they didn't fight to stay here longer. You grieve because what right do you have to be mad at someone who is gone? You grieve because it seems like everyone has moved on but you're still stuck.

You grieve because you're so angry at God for taking them before you were ready for them to go... As if you'll ever be ready.

You grieve every time you laugh or smile because how and why are you happy? You grieve whenever you try to picture them and forget what they look like, smell like... When you forget the sound of their laughter, when your memories of them start to fade. You grieve when their birthday passes and you don't remember it. You grieve when it doesn't hurt as much anymore because it feels like you've stopped caring.You feel terrible about everything.

The stages of grief are quite popular; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. In my experience, these stages are not a hard fast rule. Some people never make it to acceptance, sadly.

Grief gets worse before it gets better, but it actually does get better with time. It sounds cliché but it's true. As a Christian, I've learnt that you shouldn't grieve without God. I believe we all know that in our heads but when the experiences come, there's a tendency to try to remove God from our pain because we think that He is the One that hurt us in the first place. God doesn't enjoy seeing you in pain. He hurts when you hurt. Plus He didn't cause your pain... Sure, the Lord gives and the Lord takes away. God is definitely not against you.

Allow your pain to pull you closer to the only One who can make you whole. Jesus knows what it is like to grieve; the tomb of Lazarus, the garden of Gethsemane, the cross... Those were all grieving experiences and we can learn from how He handled them with total surrender, saying “not My will but Yours be done”. It definitely wasn't easy for Jesus so don't have the illusion that you will breeze through it.

I'd like to add something to the guilt part of grief because it's something I've dealt with and still deal with. I know you feel guilty for the time you lost, for the love that went unexpressed. You feel guilty that you didn't pick up that last phone call or reply that last text. You feel terrible for not hugging them tighter the last time you saw them. You may even feel guilty about the way you're grieving. You'll ask yourself how cruel you must be to be going on with life as normal. You even get angry because the world moved on as normal when your own world pretty much came to an abrupt standstill.

But I hope you know that you deserve to move on. Your loved one would definitely not want you to stop living because they stopped living here. That's why I love Birthday Cake by Dylan Conrique so much. She wrote it for her friend who had lost her mum.

I think she'd want you to live like the world's on fire

Want you to love like hearts don't break

You can't live life with closed arms and a heart shut off because you don't want to hurt. Grief is inevitable as long as love exists. Oooff! I don drop quote guys.

You deserve to smile again, you deserve to laugh again. Your life has fragments of that person you love and miss so much, so live and see the beauty through the pain.

I referenced this a little bit earlier when I said "Your loved one would definitely not want you to stop living because they stopped living here". Nothing brings me comfort in grief more than the knowledge that though the people I love are absent from the body, they are present with the Lord.

Okay, I've started speaking Biblese. If someone who believes in Jesus dies, they just go on to live in heaven. Cool, right? Absolutely! But this gives us work... People need to believe in Jesus.

One of my favorite quotes in this world was said by D.L. Moody.

“Soon, you'll hear in the news that I am dead

Believe no word of it, for then I'll be more alive than I've ever been.”

Inserts praise break 🕺.

It gives me so much joy. This person I love so much and that I’m experiencing so much grief over has transited to life eternal, and they will never know sickness and pain again. Hallelujah.

It'd be great if nobody had to die but Adam and Eve dawg. Now that you have to deal with the universal experience that is grief, don't do it outside of Jesus.

There's no textbook way to grieve but if you allow Jesus to hold you through it, grief will make you a much better person.

Song rec of the letter. I named this letter after this song because I love it so much. I've cried to it countless times. What a beautiful ending, what a blessed beginning frfr!

I am sending hugs and prayers to anyone who is in the dark tunnel of grief and can't seem to fathom the possibility of a light at the end of it. Jesus knows how you feel, and He is with you. I am so sorry for your loss. You will smile again.

Please like, subscribe and comment. Let's trauma bond🥹.

Till next time my darlings❤️